The Next MAYOR OF BOSTON

Touching the Third Rail of Politics

Social Security is considered the “third rail” in politics because nobody wants to touch it for fear of getting burned. I think my loyal supporters realize that I am not your average politician, and not surprisingly, I happen to enjoy the way burn victims look – all featureless and aerodynamic. Who needs to rent The Island of Dr. Moreau when you can watch a pink, hairless burn victim tearfully tell teenagers gathered in an auditorium the negative aspects of drunk driving?

My point is that just as today’s politicians are too cowardly to look a burn victim in the eye, they are also unable to address the Social Security problem. They apologize for the circumstances, they say that it’s a horrible thing, they murmur their condolences, but they keep their eyes down at their feet the whole time. I am the one candidate for mayor that is not afraid to look the burn victim in the eye and tell him that he is scaring the children and needs to go home.

The Golden Years? Or just the Golden Shower Years?
If only today’s politicians were as brave, we wouldn’t be faced with this problem. Republicans and Democrats alike are wrong to think they can fix minor problems in a flawed system.

My fellow citizens, sometimes in politics, two warring ideals create so much anxiety and animosity that a little something I call “realism” is lost in the shuffle. Let’s face it; the real problem here is that advances in medicine and health are causing the elderly to live too long.

Those jews over in Hollywood have tried to glamorize the elderly with sinister shows such as The Golden Girls, but we know that the only thing “golden” about the elderly are the sheets on their urine-stained beds. There is nothing good about the elderly and as they live longer, America is plagued with more of the problems they create.

A Final Solution
I know what you’re thinking; “let’s just kill the elderly.” A loving, decent, sophisticated society does not go around killing its innocent citizens. Not without first proving guilt.

This is why I am proposing all people who reach 75 years old will have to write an essay at every birthday titled, “Why I Should Be Allowed to Live Another Year.” This will be a forum for the sharp and spry senior citizen to justify why he or she should continue to leach funds from the national government. Everybody ages differently, and this system gives officials a prudent and measurable means of determining when a person has hit their personal expiration date.

If the person cannot give a justifiable reason (such as they are president of their country club, or have accumulated significant wealth and can pay their own medical bills) then that person will be sent to a new version of the “retirement home.” These retirement homes will not be drab and dreary prisons where the sickly wait to die like they are today. No, these new “retirement” homes will be festive, bright places, like a Chuck 'E Cheese for the elderly, only when Grandma is thrown in the “ball tank” – you can bet she won’t be coming back out.

A Brighter Future
It is never easy to let go of those you care for, and I’m sure many Americans will be distraught to learn that their loved ones have to go. As a sensitive politician, and a family man, I feel your pain. For it was just a few months ago when I had to put our family's dog to sleep. She was very sick and barely could muster the strength to wag her tail, much less play around in the yard and do the other things that we expect dogs to do. It’s a sad day when you wake up from a two-day drunk covered in peanut butter, and you realize that there is nobody there to lick it off you except for your fat, ungrateful wife.

Rather than harp on the sadness of losing a loved one, instead think of the wonderful world we will live in when the elderly no longer plague us with their poor driving habits, cantankerous attitudes, and the constant, constant trickle of urine. Massive surplus funds from Social Security can be used to pave our streets, educate our young, feed our poor, and even disguise the aforementioned burn victims. But there will be no money for our burn victims until a politician with the guts and the wherewithal stands up to them and tells them in no uncertain terms to get in the “ball tank” where they belong. My fellow citizens, I would be honored if you allowed me to be that politician.